The only way to know if you can, is to go

I didn't know if I could handle it all. Spoiler: I could.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZxZvYsso5w

Berlin, Amsterdam, Madrid. Three weeks alone, for the first time.

This is what happened:

I arrived in Berlin on a Wednesday night. Everything went smoothly: from the train to the Uber, from the Uber to the apartment. The apartment was perfect. A Rewe on the corner, open until 11pm. Everything under control.

The next day I couldn't bring myself to go out.

Something felt heavy. The city, the language, I don't know. In the morning I went out for a walk around the block. I didn't cross the street. I went back inside.

At 3pm I tried again. I went out to see if I could start getting to know the neighborhood and stumbled upon a nail salon run by Chinese staff who spoke German and very little English. I got my nails done. Then they told me I needed to go to an ATM to get cash. I went. I came back. Something settled.

The next day I went to a friend's wedding. That helped too.

On the fourth day I went to the laundromat, one of those with no staff, just machines. It destroyed half my clothes and stained the other half with grease. I walked away having defeated two German machines.

The day after that I got on the train.

Berlin taught me that you don't need to figure everything out at once. And that sometimes the plan fails, ruins your clothes, and you leave anyway.

Berlin was also home to the tower from the Stay video, by U2. One of my favorite songs. I wanted to go.

I crossed the entire Tiergarten thinking it was just a little further. I got close to the last row of trees and from behind them, the tower appeared. It was right there.

I couldn't move. I stood completely still. I cried.

It felt like seeing a celebrity.

From Berlin to Madrid, with a layover in Amsterdam. At the Berlin airport I accidentally bought two full burgers. I ate one there. I saved the other in my bag.

I arrived in Amsterdam with half my bag soaked in tomato juice and ten minutes to board to Madrid.

I put some napkins inside the bag, sat down on the floor next to the boarding gate and ate it with complete satisfaction.

No drama. Just a wrecked burger and me, completely whole.

On my last night in Madrid I took myself out to dinner at a restaurant I'd spotted earlier that day at sunset. I got dressed for a date. With myself.

I ordered a vermouth, a delicious meal and cheesecake for dessert.

On the way back to the hotel the night was so perfect that instead of turning, I kept walking. No destination. In a state of wellbeing I'd rarely experienced before.

That's when I understood: this is what happens when you trust yourself.

I left with an itinerary. Days, places, transfers, everything planned. But I also left with something more important: the decision not to hold on to anything.

If something shifted from the plan, an alternative appeared instantly. No drama. No resistance. That's a skill too. On this trip I discovered it and embraced it.

At the end of the trip I sat down and made a list. Achievements in one column. Failures in the other.

The second column was empty.

The only way to know if you can, is to go.

J.